Goodbye Madame Butterfly: Sex And Marriage In Japan

15 Feb 2008 Category: Features, Illustration, Japan

Goodbye Madame Butterfly: Sex And Marriage In Japan

The delicate cover of Sumie Kawakami's Goodbye Madame Butterfly about women in Japanese society, published by Chin Music Press. Its illustration comes from an old book cover found in Jimbocho. Courtesy of Chin Music Press

While Japan has an enormous sex-related industry, married couples don’t seem to do it that often (we’re not sure whether to believe mere stats: According to a Durex survey, Japan ranks last internationally in terms of sexual activity.) And this would be the case in many modern societies as well… So for the last two years, author Sumie Kawakami gathered interviews of various Japanese women to depict this one aspect of society: Her latest book, Goodbye Madame Butterfly: Sex, Marriage and the Modern Japanese Woman by the superb Chin Music Press portrays eleven sex lives in painstaking detail. Today PingMag talks to Sumie about the heart of relationships.

Written by Maya Gartner


Instead of showing you anonymous Japanese women, we decided to rather introduce you to a great part of Japanese tradition: ukiyo-e, woodblock prints, celebrating Japanese ladies by Eihou. Courtesy of the Japan Ukiyo-e Museum

Another traditional fair female on a kuchi-e (frontispiece) by Eihou. Courtesy of the Japan Ukiyo-e Museum

Your stories are intensely personal. How did you get all the women to open up to you?

The ones in the book are just a fraction of what I’ve collected: One woman, after reading my manuscript, said “I can’t accept this” and kept denying what I had written; some kept asking for revisions over and over; others, hearing that the book will be published in English, ran their Japanese stories through translation software to read it in English. Getting your own story published is a big deal even if it’s under a fake name. I feel that negotiating little details in the story with the women took much longer than the interview itself. The book also includes stories that barely passed the women’s approval and some stories have been dramatically edited due to technical constraints. In that respect, what ended up in the book is the pure essence.
I believe that at the heart of human existence is the desire to be heard and to be understood. And if the story is as intensely personal as one’s sex life or love life, the desire to share one’s story may be even stronger.

Artist Kunisada’s ukiyo-e showing another part of Japanese traditional society, 19th century. Courtesy of the Japan Ukiyo-e Museum

Let’s get to the point: Why do you think Japanese married couples aren’t having much sex?

I’d like to refer you to statistics: Pharmaceutical company Bayer AG conducted an online survey in 2006, which found that 38,8 percent of couples questioned didn’t have sex in the past year. Sexlessness had little to do with age - 47 percent of those in their 30s, 46 percent of those in their 40s and 50 percent of those in their 50s said they were sexless.


Women breast-feeding: From the “Pearl Divers” series by Utamaro. Courtesy of the Japan Ukiyo-e Museum

Also from “Pearl Divers.” Courtesy of the Japan Ukiyo-e Museum

Please explain.

In my interviews of women, I’ve talked to many who said that sex with their husbands was too much work. For one thing, their husbands came home very late from work but had to get up early the next morning, so sex was the last thing on their minds. I didn’t mention this in the book, but in the process of reporting for this book, I’ve also talked to men who claimed they were sexless: One guy was in his early 20s. He told me that he often comes home from work early in the morning and by the time he gets ready to go to bed, his wife wakes up to go to work. Sex is out of the question here. They’re not having affairs either. He said, “I could go home earlier if I wanted to, but going out for drinks after work is part of my job. I feel bad for my wife, but for now, work is my priority - not being at home.” Weekends are so busy with shopping and other events that sex never enters the picture. Making time just for sex in a very busy schedule feels awkward. It’s not that he lacks drive - it’s just easier taking care of business on his own when his wife’s not around.


Utamaro’s lady has a “Whistle Made Of Glass” and quite an elaborated pattern on her dress. Courtesy of the Japan Ukiyo-e Museum

While that example is an extreme case, this couple has been married for only a few years. If the relationship continues in that way, what awaits them in ten or twenty years? Long working hours and the fact that men are tied to evening social obligations long after they’ve left the company are impediments to a healthy sex life. They’re all tired, men included. These days, women continue to work after they’ve had babies. On weekdays, sex is the furthest thing from their minds as they focus on work and raising their children. I think these are common issues for most families.

So, an obstacle seems to be a busy work life?

Also, lack of communication between the spouses is part of the problem. The main focal point in the lives of men becomes the workplace and work itself, while for women, it’s the home and children. They end up sharing so little. In North America, for instance, men are active in the children’s schools or within the local community. That experience likely leads to stronger ties within the family and between the spouses. In Japan, however, many fathers can barely attend the child’s sports day event once a year. The husband works downtown and his center of activity is rooted in that area. The wife’s radius of activity is confined to a small area, perhaps a few kilometers, around the school. No wonder husbands and wives begin to drift apart.

Kuchi-e, frontispiece, with (family?) drama in the background by Eihou. Courtesy of the Japan Ukiyo-e Museum

Meaning couples become estranged. What changes within their relationships?

“When we got married, we were no longer lovers. We became family and that removed my desire for sex.” - This is a comment I’ve heard many times. A Japanese husband calls his wife, “Mama” and the wife calls her husband, “Papa.” Their identities as parents supersede their identities as a couple. Society demands that of them. It is often said that in Japan, there is only woman or mother: The moment a woman gives birth, she becomes a mother. This deifies the woman’s existence and places her on a pedestal on the one hand, but denies her sexuality on the other.


Strolling lady, frontispiece by artist Gotou. Courtesy of the Japan Ukiyo-e Museum

Elegant woman on another kuchi-e. Courtesy of the Japan Ukiyo-e Museum

I guess, this can be the case in any other society too… Is there something else?

In Japan, the custom still remains where the parents sleep with their child in the middle. Such an environment is not conducive to sexual activities between the spouses. Having said that, there are couples who have sex regularly while their child sleeps next to them. There are individual differences.


Female on ukiyo-e by Eizan. Courtesy of the Japan Ukiyo-e Museum

Also by artist Eizan. Courtesy of the Japan Ukiyo-e Museum

For sure. Now, all the talk about the falling birthrate really comes down to couples not having enough sex?

The fact that more and more women either can’t or won’t get married comes before sexless couples. In fact, this falling birthrate is not just a Japanese problem. It’s one next door in South Korea, or in Italy, as well. The birthrate dropped but then rebounded in European countries such as Sweden, France and Denmark because they created an environment where women could advance in society and raise children. Japan needs to make an effort on the policy front!

An often-heard explanation for the falling birthrate is that “women give priority to their work and their hobbies and don’t want to have children.” Politicians have stopped their incessant trumpeting of this ridiculous line recently, but when you consider pay and promotion disparities between men and women, the awful labor conditions for women raising children, the isolated role in society played by full-time housewives and various other problems, one can only conclude that this is the basic message.

Lying Beauty: Another fine woodblock by Kunisada. Courtesy of the Japan Ukiyo-e Museum

So, how do Japanese women think of marrying and getting kids?

First, if you look at the statistics, most Japanese women are not against having children, and they’re not thinking about how fun it will be to not get married and enjoy their lives by themselves. Life is not all roses nor is it short enough for women to simply believe that marriage is too much of a hassle or that it would be better to just enjoy life on their own. Maybe there are women in their 20s who think this way, but as they hit their 30s and 40s, it is not hard to imagine more women deciding to settle down and have a family. Women who aggressively resist marriage and children make up a small minority.


Lady by Utamaro. Courtesy of the Japan Ukiyo-e Museum

Breast-feeding woman, by artist Kunisada, 19th century. Courtesy of the Japan Ukiyo-e Museum

Indeed, from a certain point, women sometimes seem to be a lot about marrying…

Look at the figures and you’ll see that the urge to get married and have children is deeply rooted in Japanese women, whether they are married or single. Leaving the issues of marriage and sexual relations aside for a moment, let’s look at the children: A survey of attitudes toward the falling birthrate released by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare in March 2004 revealed that as many as 54,7 percent of single women ages 20 to 32 and 49,3 percent of single women from 33 to 49 said they would like to have two children. More than 30 percent of each age group said they’d like to have three children. On the other hand, those who said they didn’t want children at all numbered just 5,3 percent in the younger age group and 9,3 percent in the older one.

More of Kunisada’s ukiyo-e works, this time depicting a male as part of Japanese society - one famous kabuki actor. Courtesy of the Japan Ukiyo-e Museum

And…?

It’s clear that there are a lot of women who want to give birth, yet why do so many end up giving up on that dream? While each person has her own special circumstances, the statistics show that many women are missing their chance to have children due to the growing trend to marry late or not marry at all and to economic uncertainties, inability to have children or lack of sexual relations with their partners…

… factors you find in other societies as well. However, what do you think about Japanese men? There seem to be a lot of mama’s boys in these stories…

The men portrayed in this book are male images based on the women’s point of view and are not based on direct interviews. So, it’s a bit misleading to conclude that they are mama’s boys. Whether they are Japanese or not, men are supposed to be manly, and I think those who do not meet requirements of being manly are likely to be labeled as mama’s boys in any culture.


Woman (possibly courtesan?) serving sake: ukiyo-e by artist Utamaro, 18th century. Courtesy of the Japan Ukiyo-e Museum

Also by Utamaro. Courtesy of the Japan Ukiyo-e Museum

…that depends on the acceptance of shifting gender roles in a society.


Combing beauty by Goyou, 1920. Courtesy of the Japan Ukiyo-e Museum

Well, in my opinion, all men - not just Japanese - are more or less potential mama’s boys. From a woman’s perspective, most of them are. Of course, that includes judgments clouded by the jealousy a wife may feel toward her mother-in-law. The Confucian tradition may dictate that a Japanese man, if faced with the ultimate choice of his mother or his wife, choose his mother. In the West, choosing the wife may be considered the gentlemanly act - but in Japan, respect for one’s parents overrides that. For instance, when the wife and mother-in-law get into an argument, the husband may admonish his wife. Not because he doesn’t love his wife - he is, in effect, saying: “You have agreed to become my wife, so please allow matters in my household to take precedence.” It is a form of dependence on the wife. Whether or not this behavior reflects a maternal complex on the part of the husband, the woman still enters into a marriage with some understanding that she is marrying into her husband’s family. Lately, some husbands are moving into their wives’ homes so that sort of thinking no longer predominates.

So there is a slow change…

But also, many Japanese men are terrible communicators and that may contribute to a lot of misunderstanding from women. Especially the silent but macho types have trouble communicating their feelings toward their wives. From her viewpoint, he only appears to take sides with his mother. I didn’t do much reporting from the man’s perspective for this book, but it would be interesting to hear what they have to say.


Ladies by ukiyo-e artist Utamaro. Courtesy of the Japan Ukiyo-e Museum

And one by Kunisada, 19th century. Courtesy of the Japan Ukiyo-e Museum

Oh, yes! Something else: Fortune-telling comes up a lot in your stories, and you liken it to psychotherapy in the West. But does a reliance on fortune telling breed a kind of fatalism, as if you have no control over your destiny?

Fortune-telling is a pretty personal thing. In the end, each person can choose whether to believe it or not.
However, Japan has a long culture of nature worship. The idea that the movement of the stars, the changing of the seasons or the ebb and flow of the tides have a large effect on people is much more accepted than in the West. Also, the importance of a person’s energy levels and the idea that the spirit and body are one have been interwoven into our everyday life since long ago. The kanji kiryoku, which combines the characters for spirit and strength and means energy, spirit or vigor, points to this. I believe that things like natural phenomena, spirits and ancestral souls should be seen as part of our lives, not as something to abhor or to write off as nonscientific. And I’d argue that fortune telling is just an extension of this.

Author Sumie Kawakami. Courtesy of Chin Music Press

Interesting! Thank you, Sumie, for bringing us women in Japanese society a bit closer. Goodbye Madame Butterfly: Sex, Marriage and the Modern Japanese Woman is available at Chin Music Press and also over at Amazon.

20 Comments

  1. sounds like a very interesting book - already ordered it on amazon.
    Wish it was also published in Japanese so I cld give it to a certain guy…
    Cheers!

    Posted by: sarasara on February 15th, 2008 at 9:55 pm

  2. That was a really interesting incite to the other side of Japanese culture, and how the womens roles are played within Japanese sociaty!

    Thank you

    Posted by: Katie on February 15th, 2008 at 10:08 pm

  3. That was a really interesting incite to the other side of Japanese culture, and how the womens roles are played within Japanese society!

    Thank you

    Posted by: Katie on February 15th, 2008 at 10:09 pm

  4. So cool that you did a feature on this book! It’s such an insight into the other side of Japan that you never get to hear about… it totally changed the way I see women around me in the street.

    Posted by: Mogu on February 15th, 2008 at 10:31 pm

  5. it was a great book, and very beautifully designed. ms. kawakami has such a thoughtful and eloquent voice, i have enjoyed reading this and other interviews with her.

    Posted by: selena on February 15th, 2008 at 10:54 pm

  6. [...] mag has an interview with Sumie Kawakami, who has spent two years interviewing Japanese women on issues related with sex and marriage. [...]

    Posted by: Global Voices Online » Japan: Sex and Marriage on February 16th, 2008 at 12:02 am

  7. [...] Ping Mag gibt es ein Interview mit Sumie Kawakami, die zwei Jahre lang Japanerinnen zu ihr Sex- und Eheleben befragt [...]

    Posted by: Global Voices auf Deutsch » Japan: Sex und Ehe on February 16th, 2008 at 1:11 am

  8. Interesting article. Now other people can learn various things about Japanese society and how genders play their roles within it.
    Personally, I think the male dominant society tradition is terrible. It separates the two genders wide apart and left families with miscommunications and gaps that are unable to connect due to lack of likeliness or common topics/experience to share within family members. This gotta stop. Esp hate it when male under estimate the potential of female workers at work and working moms etc.

    Posted by: Mariya Marie on February 16th, 2008 at 2:01 am

  9. [...] Link [...]

    Posted by: Sumie Kawakami « this is premium writing, no? on February 16th, 2008 at 1:09 pm

  10. 4空间

    Posted by: iriart on February 16th, 2008 at 9:16 pm

  11. [...] PingMag - Goodbye Madame Butterfly: Sex And Marriage In Japan - interesting author interview about changing society roles in Japan [...]

    Posted by: renaissance chambara | Ged Carroll - Links of the day on February 16th, 2008 at 10:51 pm

  12. Great interview, you can see more prints like that in http://www.ilustracionesjaponesas.com it’s a web with lot of japanese shunga illustrations

    Posted by: Ninfas del Bosque on February 17th, 2008 at 8:54 am

  13. [...] PingMag » Goodbye Madam Butterfly: Sex and Marriage in Japan [...]

    Posted by: Links 2008-02-16 : simoncolumbus.de on February 17th, 2008 at 9:05 am

  14. it was a great book, and very beautifully designed. ms. kawakami has such a thoughtful and eloquent voice, i have enjoyed reading this and other interviews with her.

    Posted by: dizi izle on February 18th, 2008 at 4:16 pm

  15. Esp hate it when male under estimate the potential of female workers at work and working moms etc.

    Japanese women want to be daughters, not wives. And the problem is that they’re not better at communication than japanese men.
    The source of the problem is in the values within which children are educated in the family, and they are often very weak so this is the values of the work life that dictate their laws.
    Japanese men are weak in front of their bosses, and they are most of the time exploited. At the same time they must answer to the demands of their wives. It is too much pressure and they can’t fullfill both. And since they would lose their wife if they lose their work they have no choice.
    Life in japan is the real jungle. You can’t imagine until you work like a japanese in a complete japanese company.
    And when I tell this it is not to point at your ignorance, but to really insist on the fact that it is a non-imaginable situation from a western point of view.
    You can’t answer to your boss here, you can’t find allies to fight against exploitation here.
    This is not a parital society, nor a marital society, this is a cascading society.

    Posted by: anon on February 18th, 2008 at 9:47 pm

  16. (The first phrase of my previous post is a quote of someone else’s comment)

    I want also to add that male doesn’t underestimate the potential of female workers here. Female just withdraw because it is too hard. And men just cope with it because they have no choice most of the time.
    Women just hope to take the tangeant in marrying, and even with a sexless marriage and no communication it could be a lot better than the work option. Really.
    Why is there only a few foreigners working in japan? It is not only because of the inherent racism, it is also a lot because there is absolutely NO advantage in working here (low salary, no family life, work insecurity, no free time(and when I mean no, it is not to take as a complain but as a reality), hours in crowded trains every day, no way to fight exploitation). Unless you work at the ambassy (laughs).

    Posted by: anon on February 18th, 2008 at 9:55 pm

  17. my middle aged neigbours have loud sex about every second night, and the cement walls of my apato are far too thin.

    Posted by: Anonymous on February 19th, 2008 at 3:32 pm

  18. i like all your videos they are cool i like japan

    Posted by: melaina on February 28th, 2008 at 1:13 pm

  19. [...] here is the second of the links I plannedto discuss, from the Japanese blog PingMag. In its own words, [...]

    Posted by: Sex, Marriage and the Modern Japanese (and Korean) Woman « The Grand Narrative on March 3rd, 2008 at 12:15 am

  20. [...] I can point you towards my discussion of the effects on married couples’ sex lives, based on this post at the now defunct Japanese blog PingMag that began thus: While Japan has an enormous [...]

    Posted by: Sex, Marriage and Prostitution in South Korea « The Grand Narrative on January 20th, 2010 at 11:32 pm

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